damn it all, why is it so hard to recover?

[maybe someday]

(I posted my whole story, a while back, in the "Roll Call" forum.)

At 28, I have a pretty normal life now. I don't tell most people about my homeschool past. I try to focus on the future, the positive, all that cliche stuff.

And yet...

There's part of me that just wants to lock myself up in my bedroom, not talk to anyone, not participate in society. I wonder why? Oh yeah, because that's how I spent my childhood and adolescence! Part of me will always be that... freaking... WEIRDO.

My husband and I are trying to buy our first home. Normal, right? Lots of people have done it. And yet taking care of the basic stuff, paperwork, phone calls, meetings, etc., is killing me. Every time someone gets condescending/unhelpful/rude (seriously, where is the customer service anymore?), I want to retreat and cry. I can't deal with conflict or frustration. I know that's foolish, and I hate this weakness in myself.

And it's lonely too. I have a really hard time maintaining friendships. I was in therapy for a couple years, and with constant coaching, I was able to get a little better for a while. But now I've backslid. The loneliness and weirdness of my childhood follows me wherever I go. I can no longer afford to pay someone $100 a week to help me figure out how to ask people over for dinner.

And any pro-homeschool parents reading this, news flash: homeschooling is weird! it makes children weird! all those spelling-bee kids spazzing out, that's not cute, that's weird, and it's not a weirdness you can shake just by trying. heaven knows I've tried hard enough.

On re-reading this, for some reason re-living these horrors has made me revert to an adolescent vocabulary. But it's not my fault, I was "homeschooled."

[Survivor]

I hear you load and clear my freaky weird sister.

I have honestly thought I should get some therapy someday, but as you pointed out it's expensive, and who knows what it really changes in you.

It is lonely beyond belief, I wish we could all get together sometime and just be our weird selves and not have to worry about what others are thinking.

I will say, though, one of the best things I have done is keep in contact with some of my old homeschool friends where we do just make fun of it on a consistent basis.
I don't think I could have better therapy than being able to just let the cynicism, sarcasm, and utter contempt for homeschool fly.
So if you don't have someone to vent on, feel free to post here anytime, and know you will have a bunch of understanding ears here.

Thanks a bunch for posting

Survivor

[Tiffany]

Thanks so much for writing this post, I can identify exactly with your words.

I am on the same page as you, wishing to retreat at times. It does help when you can have friends who sympathize or empathize. I hope that you do invite people to dinner. You express yourself well on paper. Expressing oneself in front of a live audience is harder, as I know, but it seems to get easier, so long as the listener truly listens and empathizes; empathy encourages and rewards the social effort instantly. Good friends are a must!

I could be a little bit hypocritical in giving this advice. While I know many around our current home (a military installation), I have gotten together with few in the last 5 months. I have been working as a housekeeper (a busy job!) and going to college online. So I have not had as much time as I would like to socialize. But at least with my job, I get occasional conversations with good people, coworkers. And in college, I learn to express myself better--a skill which an isolated youth never truly encouraged.

I find a lot of peace (or at least, the blunting of worry) and perspective from psychology. For example, in psychology 101, I learned about the "Spotlight Effect" --a tendency to feel our actions are far more observed than they actually are. Remember that most other people are thinking about themselves, more than they are you. Your "flaws" are not as apparent or as important as you may think.

We are all in this together. Most people ARE lonely. We all have so many concerns about "am I normal," or "will people like me"? While some people have disadvantages that are physically obvious, others have interior damages. It may be hard for others to understand the depths of our troubles. However, it makes us more human, more real to have difficulties that we are willing to accept and work with. Your words are very real. Thanks again for sharing.

[Kym]

I completely understand! I've been through the same thing and felt the same feelings. It took me years to "normalize" and be able to make real friends. I always said I would NEVER home school my kids & I meant it. My 3 children went to public school and turned out to be wonderful, normal, balanced people because they learned how to deal with difficult issues and the real world as a part of growing up instead of being kept in a bubble where they never learn to socialize, make friends, or even learn how to make decisions for themselves.